Over the weekend I stumbled across some old journals from several years ago which documented my intense period of personal transformation.
I wrote all of these entries on my laptop. They were neatly typed, dated, printed and bound into two books – one for 2009, and one for 2010. Each book was filled with around 150 A4 pages of raw, emotion-filled, soul-searching words.
Something pulled at me to dive into them. So, I made myself a cup of tea, snuggled up in bed and decided to read them, not realising what I was about to get into.
As I began to read, I felt my heart break in two. I had completely forgotten what my life was like all of those years ago. I was moved to tears as I devoured the words and I was taken right back to the depth of inner pain, struggle and confusion I battled with.
The journals detailed my debilitating thoughts of self-loathing, the sadness I felt and how I would hide myself from connecting with others. I was paralysed by fear and unable to make changes in my life or move forward to where I wanted to be.
I wrote with passion and yearning for answers, for change and for guidance. I begged at my angels and my spirit to help me. To lead me out of the darkness. To help me awaken.
I documented my entire spiritual awakening. The books I read, the notes from the workshops I attended, the latest health food I was trying and every new realisation or epiphany that cracked me open.
There was a fire in my belly. A deep inner calling. A burning desire to understand life, to discover the truth and to uncover what it was that I was meant to do with my life.
As I read I realised that despite the darkness that surrounded me, there was an unwavering desire that never faltered. The desire to rediscover and connect with the light.
There Is Purpose To Your Pain
As I sat and read these journals, I knew I had been guided back to them for a reason. Reflecting on my past gave me a powerful reminder of why I do the work I do. Why I show up each day to teach these transformative messages.
These journals were the exact reminder I needed.
Over the past few months, I had been feeling a little disconnected from my teachings. I had lost touch with the real meaning behind my work. My inner fire had weakened. I felt lost and I was concerned the passion was gone.
And I realised this was because a big part of me wanted to disconnect from that girl who once struggled. To disown my darkness. To pretend that that period of my life never existed.
I was ashamed of her. I was rejecting her.
I had hoped I could teach my work without having to dive back into my story.
I wanted to just be in the light, to live in the light and to share that with others. But in the process of doing so I was pushing away the parts of myself that have made me who I am.
And how often do you do this?
Do you try to avoid the pain, rush through the difficult process and hide your weaknesses? Do you try to always appear put together, happy and smiling and cover the darkness that simmers below the surface?
You must instead realise that your darkness is the doorway to healing. It does not have to define or limit you, but you cannot reject it. You cannot deny it. You cannot hide away a part of yourself that you are no longer proud of. It must instead be loved.
This realisation cracked me open and had tears streaming down my cheeks. All I could feel was immense gratitude for all of the work I have done since then, and the amazing space I now find myself in.
I have been able to shift so much heavy, dark inner crap over the past 5 years and I am now a completely different person.
Embrace Your Dark Parts
So maybe you are faced with darkness now. Maybe you look back on your past mistakes or dark periods with shame. Or, maybe there are aspects of you that you want to hide.
I am here to say that it is time to stop rejecting, denying and shaming. It is time to embrace, own and love these parts of you. Let them be. Let the darkness be there.
It is in your darkness where there is the most learning, the most opportunity for transformation and the most possibility for awakening.
Don’t reject your darkness. Instead, dive into it, get familiar with it and unpack it.
Write about it, explore it and shine a light on it with these questions;
+ What do you currently feel ashamed about or guilty about?
+ What do you dislike about you?
+ What mistakes have you made that you are not proud of or embarrassed about?
+ What from your past do you want to ignore, reject or deny?
+ What do you see as your weakness or flaws that you don’t want others to see?
As you uncover these parts of you, just let yourself be with it. Read through it.
Open your heart and breathe it all in. Can you bring unconditional love to those parts of you? Can you accept them? Can you own them? Integrate them? And can you still love yourself regardless?
Would you love some support to lovingly heal and release the darkness that is holding you back? In my 1:1 coaching programs you will work closely with me and receive practical and personalised guidance.
Read more about my coaching options, or email me at firstname.lastname@example.org to book a complimentary Discovery Session.
What parts of yourself are you not proud of and have been rejecting, hiding and avoiding? Find the courage to shine a bright light upon them and share them with me in the comments below.