About a week ago, I headed off on a 5 day Oneness Retreat, and I have to be honest with you – I really didn’t want to go. I had become so consumed with my business, my to do list and my endless stream of mental chatter that I felt afraid to let it go.
Chaos had become what was comfortable.
While to most people, being at a picturesque retreat surrounded by nature, removed from technology and immersed in stillness would be divine, to me it felt petrifying.
I had been feeling for a while that something wasn’t working. I knew my approach to life had gone a little crazy, but I somehow couldn’t (or didn’t want to) let it go. I thought that if I let go, everything would fall apart. I knew I needed more space, but part of me was afraid of that space. I was afraid of what I would see, what I would feel and I was afraid that I would have to get really honest with myself.
But I am so glad I found the courage to do it. This retreat has seriously changed the course of my life.
Yes, at times it was scary. Yes, I was out of my comfort zone and yes I felt out of control. But it is only now, looking back, that I can see the very thing I was fearing, was the very thing I actually needed.
Now that I am back in Sydney, that person that I was only a week ago feels like a distant memory. I cannot even describe how different I feel. Nothing outside of me has necessarily changed (yet) but the way I feel on the inside has completely shifted.
I feel soft, open, receptive, aligned, light-heart, playful and loving. I feel content, calm, at peace and grounded. I feel present in the here and now, mindful and aware. But most of all, I feel like I am finally starting to discover who I am.
This retreat has enabled me to feel again. It allowed me to create space for myself. Space to connect with myself, to look in to my own eyes and be there for me. I feel a true, deep love for myself and a beautiful sense of contentment that I yearned for but which always felt out of reach.
I feel like I can breathe again. Deep, long, soulful breaths that fill up your belly and nourish you from the inside out.
I feel real. I feel comfortable in my own skin. I feel that I am exactly where I need to be and everything is unfolding exactly as it is supposed to.
Follow The Feeling
Since returning from the retreat I have been following my feeling rather than my thinking. My head has been running the show for way too long.
I am now slowing down so I can hear my inner guidance and I am marinating in it’s wisdom before any action is taken. I am listening to myself and to my inner sensations. And through doing so, I feel like I am coming to know myself in a whole new way.
Yesterday, out of nowhere I felt the desire to throw out some of the books and ‘knowledge’ that I had been accumulating for years. My head initially questioned it, but I followed that inner desire. I cleared out my bookcase, got rid of folders upon folders of paperwork and ended up throwing away 2 huge pieces of furniture. My home now feels somewhat empty, but it feels spacious and clean. I am letting go internally and externally.
I also have the feeling that my business will be changing. I have no idea how yet, but it will reflect the huge inner shifts that I am experiencing. It will change naturally and effortlessly based on what I am guided to do. I know it will come to be a greater reflection of who I really am, rather that the person I thought I was, or the person I was attempting to be.
On top of all of this, I feel like my relationships with others has completely shifted. There is a deeper sense of connection that I am now allowing to take place. To be honest, in the past I avoided this connection but now I embrace it. I have to a give a shout out to beautiful Mon, my little soul sister who I was pretty much joined at the hip with for the whole retreat. I love this beautiful lady to bits. We shared tears, cups of chai, cuddles, learning’s, walks in nature and lots and lots of laughs.
If you are reading this and you are craving time in nature, space for yourself and a chance to re-connect please know you do not have to attend a retreat to do it. Take time out for your precious self.
Sit in quietness.
Be still for a while.
Clear your calendar.
Get your feet in to the grass your sand.