Running a spirit-driven business, teaching and guiding others and sharing light-filled messages that inspire the world can be tough to manage when you are going through your own stuff.
And to be completely honest, I have found it really tough.
For me, 2014 was filled with high’s and low’s, big challenges and huge lessons. I had to take many breaks through the year to focus purely on myself, to move through emotions, to process big realisations and perception-shifts and I spent many days walking along the beach or on the grass attempting to ground myself.
Over the past 12 months I have really struggled to find the balance between diving deep into my own work, healing my wounds and exploring my own soul while wanting to consistently show up for you, my dear audience, and guide you all too.
I found it difficult to honour and respect my own personal experiences and the time and space I needed to heal, while also dealing with the voice in my head telling me I was breaking all the rules about how I should be running a business.
What has been happening behind the scenes…
I struggled to maintain consistency. To create regular content. To show up in a calm and balanced space each day in my work. To complete all of the big and beautiful steps that I knew would grow my business.
I lost touch with my vision more than once. I forgot my why, and then remembered it, and then forgot it again. I tried a whole heap of new things. Some worked, some didn’t. I felt all over the place.
I contemplated closing my business, and walking away several times. I imagined what it would be like to go back to the comfort of a day job and a regular pay check. I found myself scrawling through job sites and every time I did I felt like I was turning my back on my soul.
I caught out my ego (more times than I can count) wreaking havoc on my business. I pushed, I forced and I strived. I counted the dollar signs rather than caring about the actual service I was delivering. It all became about the outcomes, the results and the external façade of success.
I went through several relationship breakups. I began 2014 grieving the end of a very significant love and over the course of the next year experienced beginnings and endings with another 2 men. I rode a rollercoaster of emotions. I struggled to find my feet, to feel stable and safe, and to find inner equilibrium as men walked in and out of my life.
I found true meaning in these words of Rumi – “You have to keep breaking your heart until it opens”
And despite all the setbacks, I forged on forward. I moved into an apartment on my own in North Bondi. I signed up for 6 months of incredible coaching where I was guided to see – with often confronting clarity – all of the ways my ego was sabotaging my relationships, using my body to get love and crushing my divine femininity. I stepped bravely forward into new creative endeavours despite the self-doubt, anxiety, negative thinking and paralysing fear that filled my mind.
Embracing the darkness
And here I am, still in one piece. And still going. So many times I wanted to quit. But yet, here I am.
Why? Because below all of this surface crap, all of the drama’s, the struggles and the ever-changing story lines, there has been something much deeper calling at me. Asking me to wake up every day and keep going. Telling me that there is a reason this is all happening. Beckoning me towards the light.
Through it all, my meditation practise was my saviour. Nature soothed me. Half-naked dance sessions awakened me. Friends supported me. And at times, it felt like spirit carried me.
And as we turned the corner into 2015, something changed. Life seemed to lighten. The world seemed softer. And within me, I felt calmer.
A new vision for my work began to take form. Creative ideas rushed in faster than I could record them. My inner guidance began speaking louder and clearer than ever before.
There is a purpose to your challenges
Then just the other day, it was like the light was turned on. Suddenly I could see. It felt like all of these layers of darkness fell away this hard outer shell cracked open.
I was lead to my journal.
And, I was reminded that every single challenge I encountered over the past year was part of my process of preparation – or perhaps even initiation – into becoming the teacher I know I am born to be.
I picked up my pen and words flowed out of me. Something about what I was writing felt real. It seemed that for so long, I had been peeling back layer, after layer, after layer of ego and at times it felt like there was only ego. I would get glimpses of my soul but then the darkness would once again take me over.
But as I stepped back from my journal and saw what I wrote, this one sentence jumped out at me;
“Your purpose is to feel, connect with and embody you soul’s essence (love). To bring that feeling and it’s messages out into the world through creatively teaching, speaking and writing, so that your soul can be fully expressed in the physical world to guide, lead and awaken others.”
Nothing has ever felt more true and real than that statement.
It is all about remembering who you truly are
The biggest realisation that came from this – and it was less of a realisation but more of a remembering – was that my work is not about ‘me’. Not me, as Connie Chapman. Not me, as my ego. Not the me that wants recognition, success and money. It is not about getting anything or becoming anyone.
It is about something much greater than that. It is about love. It is about pure expression of my soul. It is about being the channel for something incredible that wants to flow through me.
It feels good to see this again. For so long I felt I had lost it.
Deep down I knew it was always there, but part of me was running from it. And the past 12 months have simply been a journey of clearing away all of the final layers of darkness so I could truly appreciate the beauty of the light once I found my way back home to it.
I can’t wait to share more with you from this space.