Behind The Scenes: Why You Haven’t Heard Much From Me Lately

Running a spirit-driven business, teaching and guiding others and sharing light-filled messages that inspire the world can be tough to manage when you are going through your own stuff.

And to be completely honest, I have found it really tough.

For me, 2014 was filled with high’s and low’s, big challenges and huge lessons. I had to take many breaks through the year to focus purely on myself, to move through emotions, to process big realisations and perception-shifts and I spent many days walking along the beach or on the grass attempting to ground myself.

Over the past 12 months I have really struggled to find the balance between diving deep into my own work, healing my wounds and exploring my own soul while wanting to consistently show up for you, my dear audience, and guide you all too.

I found it difficult to honour and respect my own personal experiences and the time and space I needed to heal, while also dealing with the voice in my head telling me I was breaking all the rules about how I should be running a business.

 

What has been happening behind the scenes…

I struggled to maintain consistency. To create regular content. To show up in a calm and balanced space each day in my work. To complete all of the big and beautiful steps that I knew would grow my business.

I lost touch with my vision more than once. I forgot my why, and then remembered it, and then forgot it again. I tried a whole heap of new things. Some worked, some didn’t. I felt all over the place.

I contemplated closing my business, and walking away several times. I imagined what it would be like to go back to the comfort of a day job and a regular pay check. I found myself scrawling through job sites and every time I did I felt like I was turning my back on my soul.

I caught out my ego (more times than I can count) wreaking havoc on my business. I pushed, I forced and I strived. I counted the dollar signs rather than caring about the actual service I was delivering. It all became about the outcomes, the results and the external façade of success.

I went through several relationship breakups. I began 2014 grieving the end of a very significant love and over the course of the next year experienced beginnings and endings with another 2 men. I rode a rollercoaster of emotions. I struggled to find my feet, to feel stable and safe, and to find inner equilibrium as men walked in and out of my life.

I found true meaning in these words of Rumi – “You have to keep breaking your heart until it opens”

And despite all the setbacks, I forged on forward. I moved into an apartment on my own in North Bondi. I signed up for 6 months of incredible coaching where I was guided to see – with often confronting clarity – all of the ways my ego was sabotaging my relationships, using my body to get love and crushing my divine femininity. I stepped bravely forward into new creative endeavours despite the self-doubt, anxiety, negative thinking and paralysing fear that filled my mind.

 

Embracing the darkness

And here I am, still in one piece. And still going. So many times I wanted to quit. But yet, here I am.

Why? Because below all of this surface crap, all of the drama’s, the struggles and the ever-changing story lines, there has been something much deeper calling at me. Asking me to wake up every day and keep going. Telling me that there is a reason this is all happening. Beckoning me towards the light.

Through it all, my meditation practise was my saviour. Nature soothed me. Half-naked dance sessions awakened me. Friends supported me. And at times, it felt like spirit carried me.

And as we turned the corner into 2015, something changed. Life seemed to lighten. The world seemed softer. And within me, I felt calmer.

A new vision for my work began to take form. Creative ideas rushed in faster than I could record them. My inner guidance began speaking louder and clearer than ever before.

 

There is a purpose to your challenges

Then just the other day, it was like the light was turned on. Suddenly I could see. It felt like all of these layers of darkness fell away this hard outer shell cracked open.

I was lead to my journal.

And, I was reminded that every single challenge I encountered over the past year was part of my process of preparation – or perhaps even initiation – into becoming the teacher I know I am born to be.

I picked up my pen and words flowed out of me. Something about what I was writing felt real. It seemed that for so long, I had been peeling back layer, after layer, after layer of ego and at times it felt like there was only ego. I would get glimpses of my soul but then the darkness would once again take me over.

But as I stepped back from my journal and saw what I wrote, this one sentence jumped out at me;

Your purpose is to feel, connect with and embody you soul’s essence (love). To bring that feeling and it’s messages out into the world through creatively teaching, speaking and writing, so that your soul can be fully expressed in the physical world to guide, lead and awaken others.”

Nothing has ever felt more true and real than that statement.

It is all about remembering who you truly are

The biggest realisation that came from this – and it was less of a realisation but more of a remembering – was that my work is not about ‘me’. Not me, as Connie Chapman. Not me, as my ego. Not the me that wants recognition, success and money. It is not about getting anything or becoming anyone.

It is about something much greater than that. It is about love. It is about pure expression of my soul. It is about being the channel for something incredible that wants to flow through me.

It feels good to see this again. For so long I felt I had lost it.

Deep down I knew it was always there, but part of me was running from it. And the past 12 months have simply been a journey of clearing away all of the final layers of darkness so I could truly appreciate the beauty of the light once I found my way back home to it.

 

I can’t wait to share more with you from this space.

With love,
Connie x

31 thoughts on “Behind The Scenes: Why You Haven’t Heard Much From Me Lately”

  1. Thank you for your raw, open & vulnerable post Connie. As coaches we often feel we have to have it all together. We’re all human though. We all have our own ‘stuff’ to work through.
    Although extremely challenging at times, it’s through personal experience that we can empathise deeply and gain greater understanding of how we may serve. Bless you! Xx

  2. Connie, thank you for sharing. As a news reporter, I love and appreciate a good interviewer and beautiful, generous writing. You have the gift and I’m glad we as your readers will continue to enjoy it.

    Well done riding the wave in 2014. I feel as though the waves in my own life are much smoother in 2015 too. Phew!

    Stay open… We have your back. xx

  3. Awwww, bless! I’m actually in tears as I read this. I’ve never commented on here before but felt compelled to after your post. If you only knew how often I return to this website or listen to your clips when I’m driving and need space to just “retune” or receive a well-timed reminder… Thank you so much for sharing what you know. Last year and even the start of 2015 have been so up, down, up, down (usually merry dance of life) but being able to touch base and get those gentle nudge reminders, being able to really feel and stop pretending/or quashing who I am, being mindful and fully present with people/experiences I’m having have been THE greatest of inheritances and that’s down to you! This is definitely one of my favourite websites. Keep doing what you’re doing ’cause this walk of yours is having (and WILL continue to have) an immeasurable effect on who knows how many other people!

    All the best for 2015 lovely Lady + greetings from sunny Perth, WA

    Lovena (“,)

  4. Connie, Wow thank you for sharing yourself so openly. There is power in being vulnerability, and the more we show ourselves to others, the more clearly we see ourselves. I resonate deeply with what you’ve written. The ego has gotten me stuck in the mud and feeling many times that I need to walk away from what I feel is more than just calling, its healing, healing of not just me but of all souls as we are on this journey together as one. Sending you love, light and peace as you recharge and reemerge to step into your soul’s expression! xx

  5. This is vulnerable and just raw, Connie! Must say I feel happy and some pride for you being so honest with yourself and us. It makes me and other women feel that we are not alone in feeling this way. May 2015 being a fabulous, beautiful year for you!

    With Love,
    Priyanka

  6. Growing pains – bit of a bitch but necessary to expand. And it seems like expansion is what you’re getting in 2015 – I can’t wait to see what you have up your sleeves beautiful. I’m always heartened by your vulnerability, authenticity and honesty. So bold of you to share.
    Sending love xxx

  7. resonating and learning with you. im 22 and am from melbourne whose moved to denmark to embark on a journey with the love of my life, who i met at 17. I ‘lost’ myself whilst moving here, lost connection with the true essence of me, the true essence of all that i believe in. love. love. love. and only recently have i felt truly myself again.

    your words are beautiful. i could imagine the ego of your successful businesswoman wanting to take over, and things getting a bit too much – your service is very deep and so healing. it takes so much energy. so just take the time and space you need for yourself. your audience will take time and space for themselves as well. stay true. stay rooted. lead by example.

    lets go through our journeys together <3

  8. So very raw, deep and honest. I am so grateful to be able to read your words and relate them to my own journey. Connie, you are one very inspiring lady and I am always excited to learn from you and watch your business grow. xxx

  9. so beautiful Connie!! xoxo I love your openness and even though you don’t post every day or week I get so excited to see a new post from you!! I won’t even let myself read it until I have the full space to really read it!! Your words are always so beautiful and inspiring!! Doing what you do is not easy!! I resonate a lot with what you wrote and I commend you for opening up your soul to us! xxxx

  10. Such powerful honesty and truth – I can relate to so much of this! Thank you for reminding me that we are al students of life, regardless of whether we help teach others or not, and that sometimes you need to get unclear before you can gain a new sense of clarity. Much love xx

  11. Loved this post Connie, and I have just stepped back from my own business for the very same reasons. Healing is my top priority right now + know that is essential for the next step in my journey. It’s so good to know that you have come out the other side shining – I have my fingers crossed for the same results 🙂

    Much love + I look forward to watching it all unfold xxx

  12. And all of those moments have created and built the amazing inspirational outlet (aka your business) that you have today. The journey you’ve been going through IS your business – it’s the foundations, the momentum and the essence. We’ve all seen it grow from YOUR experiences – each time resonating with our own journey. How brave you are to have been documenting it and sharing it with us – shining the light for us. I’ve been struggling with some of the same over the last 12 months, but have never had the courage to harness it and ‘put it out there’ because I didn’t know ‘how’. Now I realise that there IS no proper structure – put it out there (somehow!) and what develops just ‘is what it is’! If I had of 12 months ago, maybe I’d be lucky enough to share it and have a tribe of wonderfully supportive women too. You’ve shared authenticity and attracted it in the same instance. Keep going beautiful, I know I’m not alone when I say you’ve helped us all (without even knowing it, probably!) and it’s only just the beginning for you. Thank you for showing up, even when it was hard. You helped us to do the same xx

  13. Beautiful Connie. I’ve told you a million times that it was your blog, your light, your energy that ignited my entire self development/happiness/love/everything!! journey back in 2012. But I’ll let it slip again, because YOUR LIGHT is worth repeating, over and over.

    You have made an enormous difference in my life, and the lives of so many – and I’ve no doubt that this is just the beginning. You’re amazing. Big love beautiful x

  14. This is beautiful, Connie and something that my own heart needed to hear as I have experienced many of these same things over the span of a year. Your honesty, clarity, and perseverance are inspiring.

  15. This is so beautiful, powerful and vulnerable Connie. I echo so many of the beautiful sentiments said by other people here. I only discovered your work in 2014 and for me, it came at exactly the right time! So many of your posts have resonated with me so deeply and your awaken radio series has had an ENORMOUS impact on my life. Just imagine, even in a year when you were struggling and dealing with a lot of darkness, you were able to turn people’s lives around through the power and light of your message – I can’t wait to see what you’re capable of in 2015! Thank you for all that you do. xx

  16. Hey Connie, it was a candid revelations. One should be tough enough to accept the tut and get onto the business. I do understand that it was a tough task to get away from those episode you went by and still trying to enlightened millions. It is something which make you very special human being.
    Ranjay xx

  17. You are really on to something boootiful Connie. I am excited to see your work that follows this new space that you are in. I love the words that you use to describe the intentions of your soul (Love) and the expression of it, our true purpose here in this existence. (Home), for me, was the other word that resonated as it is a word I use to associate where that (Love) lives before I was born, while I am alive and after I die. I think it is the awareness of that (Love) while we are in the physical plane that so many of us never attain but once found, and if we are brave enough to embrace it and show it to the world, then that is when the magic happens. Very excited for you! tt

  18. Oh Connie, I think we both shared a very similar 2014. So much learning was brought to me last year, pushing me towards the light, cracking me open. I am so happy to hear you have pushed through. 2015 is definitely the year our light shines through and we leave the darkness behind us. x

  19. Connie your transparency is always inspiring to me beyond words. You have a way of resonating so deeply with my soul.

    Thank you. Thank you.

    Whitney

  20. Gorgeous one. Your words tug my heart so deeply. I too resonate with this so much. You are such a beacon of light in my world. Thanks for your vulnerability in writing this post hun. I love you! xxx

  21. Christina Narcisse

    Your realness and vulnerability is inspiring. All of us go through the ups and downs of life. As long as you come back to your purpose, your path, you can get through any struggle. Thank you for your honesty really touched on how I need to continue to work on my purpose and let go of my insecurities.

  22. Connie – I couldn’t stop reading till the end. Your honesty truly sets you apart from the crowd. PLEASE KEEP GOING, your light makes a difference.

  23. Thank you Connie! I too hit on some hard times in 2014 but feel that 2015 is going to be magical so this is so well timed for me. I love how honest and vulnerable you are in sharing this, it’s beautiful. Thank you for teaching me so much with your podcast x

  24. Hello Connie!
    I LOVED this message you shared with us all. And what perfect timing for me to read it – right when I came to my own realizations of this in my life, too! I have a job in network marketing, which I have found is my perfect niche in this life – but only after delving deeper into myself and asking myself why I felt so unsettled and lost and unfocused there for a while. I became so excited about the limitless upward mobility, huge potential paychecks. I lost myself in these dreams. But after sitting down and praying and journaling, I found that that wasn’t why I was doing it at all – I see it as an opportunity to touch the world and hearts I never would have had the opportunity to before. I love the opportunity to NURTURE my team, to inspire, to empower, to help them grow in themselves. That’s where my passion lies and that’s why I love my job. Thank you so much for sharing this! It’s so wonderful to relate to someone!!

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