The catalyst for today’s post was an email that landed in my inbox. As soon as I read it, I felt the words of this post begin to form within me, and I felt that familiar stirring of energy within my body when I know there is something that wants to be written and expressed.
So I curled myself up on the floor of my mothers apartment in Melbourne with a cup of herbal tea, and I began writing.
As I began, I could hear the voice in my head wanting to interfere. I could hear it’s thoughts wanting to hold me back. I could feel part of me wanting to stop and not share this with you.
In any moment that we decide to take a step forward from our heart towards our truth, the resistance and fear will begin.
The self-judgement started. This is the judgment that has blocked me for months from sharing myself with you. I can feel the resistance to writing a personal post, to opening myself up to you all again. I find it much each to ‘teach principles’ than I do to share my own journey.
Sometimes when I write I hear other people’s voices in my head – their judgments. Like one friend who once said to me “I think you just create drama in your life so you can write about it” and then this gets me wondering – “Am I too dramatic or emotional sometimes?”
I also hear my mother’s voice. When I was a child she always said “Connie never stops talking” and for some reason I internalised that as a bad thing. I thought people would prefer me if I was quiet and compliant and so I shut down and kept things to myself. These thoughts play out in my mind every time I attempt to express myself, and this train of thought immediately blocks me.
My head blocks my heart. My fear blocks my expression. My limitation blocks my expansion.
I also stopped writing so deeply about my personal transformation as I felt it was becoming a bit draining for my readers. But then it was the email that I received, which reminded me of the power of sharing ourselves honestly, openly and authentically. And it led me back here, to write to you deeply again.
The Vulnerability of Self-Expression
I feel painfully vulnerable every time I open myself up to express in this way. And I am sure I am not alone on this? From the outside, some might feel that it appears effortless. But there is a lot that goes on within me for me to be ready to share in this way.
There is a something about allowing our true selves to be seen that is terrifying. It is much easier to wear masks and play roles and express inauthentic parts of our personalities. But revealing your true self to the world, feels like standing on a stage naked. We feel raw and exposed. And this why many of us don’t do it.
For me personally, there is still a lot that sits within me that is yet to be brought out. There are countless videos that have been recorded and then deleted, social media posts written and saved in draft on my phone with – “Oh I will post that another time“, there are notes galore of my deepest feelings and thoughts, never as yet seen by the world. Maybe some of them don’t need to be, but maybe some of them do.
So as I said, it was an email that was the catalyst or me to be here. A beautiful woman wrote to me and expressed her gratitude for how supportive my work and my messages have been for her.
Here is what she said;
“Right now I’m exactly where you were some years ago. Emotionally, spiritually, mentally. I don’t believe in accidents. I believe in synchronicity. A few weeks ago, me and my partner ended our long term kinda karmic relationship. Next day I found your Instagram out of nowhere. And then… well, I started to dive into your work. I could relate to almost all topics and experiences you went through. Right now I am standing where you were not so long ago. I hope you are aware how much you have progressed and healed and grown as a person.”
I was floored, and deeply moved.
This beautiful angel – this teacher, stirred something in me. The desire to write again. The desire to connect. The desire to continue sharing myself with you, no matter how vulnerable I feel.
I was reminded of why I write about my journey. It is so that you all feel less alone. Less alone in the challenges of this journey of inner transformation and awakening which for the most part feels pretty confusing and lonely.
I write to support you. I write because I know what I am experiencing is something you may very well be experiencing too. I write to share what I have learned in the hope it will touch you, move you or support you in some way.
And it got me thinking about the past 2-3 years of my life and what has unfolded, and where I find myself now. And it also got me thinking that perhaps it is time to share a little more with you about what has been going on.
Metamorphosis & Dark Night of The Soul
For any of you who are currently walking the journey of self-transformation (and I am guessing that if you have been guided to this post, that you most likely are), there is usually a life-altering moment that is the catalyst for our journey to begin.
We can be plodding along through life with everything going well, and then something comes along and unravels our whole existence.
The love of our life breaks up with us. We lose our job. Someone we care for deeply, passes away. Someone gets sick. We lose our home. We lose our money. We get sick.
There is crisis. We are brought to our knees. Our life is turned on it’s head.
For me, it was the end of a relationship – a person I loved deeply, telling me they could no longer be with me. My world came crashing down. This was the moment that kick-started my unravelling, my deep metamorphosis, the deconstruction of my ego and the awakening of my true self.
And so for the past 2+ years since this time, I have been unravelling. There has been deep, transformative inner work. Witnessing all aspects of my ego. Facing with confronting clarity everything that is not my truth and finding the courage to let it go.
The hardest part has been the knock to my confidence. I have felt so vulnerable, raw and fragile. I often wrote last year how hard I found it to show up for my work. I wondered – “How could I be a light for others, when I couldn’t even find the light within myself?”
After life has spent two years knocking you down, you can lose all confidence. Well, your ego loses confidence, and now you are forced to not have fake confidence but to be tapped into the authentic power of your soul.
Your soul loves this stuff. This is where it finally gets to come alive. But this is death of the ego, and at times it may feel traumatic, like you are grieving a part of yourself, and for the most part it is damn hard work.
This first phase – after the catalyst of some big life event – is all about letting go, shedding, and surrendering. Life will feel like it is crumbling. Things will fall apart. Life will feel like chaos.
You are in the cocoon, melting, deconstructing. Turning to nothing. All you know will be stripped away.
Welcome to your dark night of the soul. Here all of the lights around you are turned off, so you can find the light within.
The purpose of this phase is the deconstruction of your ego. The peeling back of layers. The shedding of all you are not. Forms, structures and creations build by your ego, will crumble. Your ego identity will be lost. Your old patters will no longer work.
I felt to touch on relationships here, as they often play a very significant role in our self-transformation and awakening. As I mentioned the catalyst for my huge personal transformation was the ending of a significant relationship – which for many of us it is.
These relationships are designed to end in this way. It is divinely orchestrated. It is a soul contract.
Karmic relationships are the ones that are specifically designed to teach us. To draw all of our darkness to the surface. To trigger our wounds. To amplify our weaknesses. To shine a light on the parts of us we would rather avoid and not see. These relationships can trigger shame, unworthiness, deep fears of abandonment, and patterns of neediness and control.
These relationships are a pre-determined agreement made between two souls, who are destined to come together to teach each other. They may teach each other through hurt, pain, betrayal, abuse, rejection, or struggle, but it is all driven by love. There is a loving intent behind it all. They are here as your teachers and your guides, lovingly helping you burn up your ego, so that you will awaken to the power of who you really are.
When we can understand the healing, karmic nature of some of our relationships we can become more willing to embrace what they are here to teach us. I have really only began to wrap my head around this, but it has brought me so much comfort.
In fact, it was while reading a post of Jennifer Kass’ that I really got it. She says;
“A true divine partner will not come in and act out codependent patterns – they will have to heal their distortions with other people in their karmic relationships first, oftentimes in the karmic marriage where there are lots of money fears that make people stay, sacrificing integrity by holding on. There’s a lesson in these relationships that must be completed before being able to create the new. Sacred partnership occurs when two people are mastering themselves first and this is sometimes done through a period of solo time or within those old relationships as you go deeper inside yourself to process.”
Yep, karmic relationships are our divine stepping stones to sacred partnership.
But damn, they are hard.
When all you are yearning for is deep connection, and divine love and open-hearted raw passion, and you have this giant dark ego lurking in the middle and you have to wade through it’s crap. And it feels like the love you desire for is impossible to experience.
You feel like a failure. You feel broken. You feel unable to love, and unable to be loved. You feel as though you will be alone forever. You are tired of being hurt, rejected, abandoned, deceived and manipulated. You want to give up.
But please know there is a divine purpose to your pain. It is here to help you transform. You are just in preparation for the one great love who is going to lift you higher into your true self, accelerate your growth, bring out the best in you and reflect back the unconditional love that you have been forced to create within yourself, after years of karmic relationships.
It is through the relationships where we cannot get true love, that we are forced to learn to love ourselves.
They are hard, but if you can see the benefits, they become easier.
And so after all of this, and years of men coming in and out of my life, teaching me, hurting me, expanding me and lovingly stripping me bare, I have been brought to the phase I am in now….
It is at this phase that the energy begins to shift. You will start to feel a sense of completion.
While your work never truly ends, here you will begin to feel the intensity start to ease. You will feel lightness arising. You will find some calmness again. And you will begin to feel a new energy stirring within you. You will know it is time to step out of your healing cave, and be seen. This is your re-emergence.
Re-emergence feels like an inner push and pull. On one hand you are being guided to step into your power, but your past is still pulling you back. You are still carrying the baggage of the past few years. You’re still caught in your cycle of struggle and failure and you are still unsure of yourself. You can’t help but doubt if the big visions you hold within your heart, are actually possible.
You may feel fragile and unsure of yourself. There is a new you, yearning to be expressed but you may feel scared, uncertain and disorientated.
If you are in this phase, I ask you to give yourself lots of support. You need love and care. You need patience and nurturing. And ensure you surround yourself with people who will lift you up and call you higher into your light.
This is your time to emerge. To show your authentic self to the world. To reveal what is within. To bring out all that you have been working on. To make the energy of your true self, manifest in the physical world.
There will be fear. But despite your mind’s chatter something deep will stir within you. It is a knowing – a knowing that you are here for more, and here for something big. It is the glimpse of your true potential. A potential that doesn’t just want to known, but expressed.
And now is the time.
And so I ask for your patience and support, as this is my year to work on bringing what is within, out. To bring the new woman who has been created within me, out into the world.
You will start to see glimpses of her – you may have already. I see her sometimes in my photos – it is a look in my eye or a radiance that shines through and I feel her and see her – there she is. Or I hear her in my words, and I feel her flowing through me. I read a sentence in my journal and I know it is her that wrote it.
And I it feels like home and I feel excited, as I see her emerging.
Be gentle and patient with yourself in this phase. You are like a new born baby bird, full of potential, yet unsure of your ability to fly. You know it is time to test out your wings. You are sitting at the edge of the nest looking out and wondering what will happen if you leap.
This is the next chapter of your work. To deeply trust yourself – your higher self. To hand over the reigns and let a deeper energy guide your life.
So no matter how hard it feels, please know you are not alone.
I am writing this today, for any of you in any phase of this transformation process. Whether you at the beginning with your world falling apart, or in the middle of deep metamorphosis or standing at the doorway of your re-emergence.
You are not going crazy. You are not losing your mind. And you are definitely not the only one feeling this way.
It is an honour to share this journey with you.